...Recommend: Wuthering Heights

JUNE'S CLASSIC RECOMMENDATION

A Note on 'Classics'

A classic. Look exciting? You bet.

Books defined as 'classics' often receive bad press with the public at large, seen simply as the preserve of academics and high school English lessons. Labelling anything as being 'classic' can almost make it appear the preserve of the elite and cultured only, which can be daunting and even actively off putting to those who don't consider themselves well versed in that particular area, be it books, plays, films, music or even art.* 

When people casually refer to 'a classic'; say Citizen Kane, or Frankenstein, they do so with the unspoken assumption that you have experienced said classic, leaving you agreeing profusely with their opinions in a blind panic, in case they find out you have committed the atrocious crime of not having seen 'Welles' pièce de résistance'. Alternatively, if you are brave enough to admit that you haven't read Victor Hugo's magnum opus, the questioner usually looks at you with a mixture of disbelief and pity, and mentally takes a nought off your estimated IQ. Due to this sort of intellectual arrogance and the humiliation it creates, so called 'classics' often fill the average person with a sense of dread, with memories of being force-fed Of Mice and Men before regurgitating essays on the American Dream being the final nail in the coffin of interest. Those who do peruse classics usually do so for academic purposes, or with something like duty when they reach number 63 on their bucket list.  Of course, for every Educating Rita determined to better themselves, there are normal people, outside of education, who do genuinely read and watch these classics for pleasure. 

 I have studied English Literature, and have both enjoyed and endured classics. The important thing is, they are no different from any other book or film. The label of 'classic' simply denotes that it has been influential, and rather popular. It doesn't mean that it is restricted in some way only to those worthy of reading it; contrary to popular belief, there is no air of exclusivity surrounding classics. If anything it is more of a public property than other books or films, and no one should feel afraid or barred from experiencing it. It doesn't mean you'll like it of course, any more than a positive book review means you'll like that book; popular consensus may deem it to be 'the best' in some way, but you won't know until you try it.

Wuthering Heights

Apologies for the overlong prelude, but I didn't want people to just see 'classic' or 'Wuthering Heights' and immediately turn off. I'll admit to a dislike of certain established 'classics' (am I alone in feeling total apathy when faced with Austen?), but I think that Wuthering Heights is so fresh and visceral, so ahead of its time, that it would be a disservice to confine it simply to the classics shelf which passes so many people by. It is an ideal advocate to turn around people's preconceptions about dusty, indigestible tomes; Wuthering Heights

is everything people believe a classic is not; exciting, thrilling, wild, emotional, heartfelt...

 Forget your preconceptions of a dry, old classic studied in school or a wailing woman in a red dress waving her hands about on a moor; Emily Brontë's only novel is a chronicle of two families hopelessly entwined by love and hate, and one of the most powerful love stories ever told. I challenge anyone with blood in their veins to not be moved by the raw emotions and brutal landscape of  Emily's masterpiece. Although Jane Eyre, the 'classic' penned by Emily's sister Charlotte, also deals with doomed love, in comparison it leaves me cold. (Proof, if needed, of the truth in the claim that not all 'classics' should be lumped together in the mind. If two classic novels, by two sisters, can be so different, why on earth would you read Ulysses and then presume to judge Pride and Prejudice on its merit?!) The happy resolution of Jane Eyre feels less satisfying than the rather more ambiguous parting lines of Wuthering Heights. There is no 'Reader, I married him' here to cushion us; we are trapped with Ellen Dean to follow the course of the Heathcliff's jealous obsession to its conclusion, generations on. 

The most compelling (but not sole) female protagonist in Wuthering Heights is continually present, yet as an unearthly, almost idolised figure which haunts the living; Cathy is the spark that cause all.  Inspiring passionate love and hatred in equal measure; this is what makes her such a compelling presence, even beyond death, that poor, plain good Jane Eyre could never hope to compete. Nor, indeed, would she aspire to. The highly questionable morals and behaviours of the protagonists, and the edge of wickedness they possess is what creates such strong emotions in those who encounter them; including, of course, the readers. Cathy and Heathcliff, in their unnatural passions and inhuman acts, feel far more human and sympathetic than any of the more mild characters who have been committed to paper. The fact that we still feel a pity for their doomed love, despite their complete selfishness and the destruction they choose to wreak on innocent lives, is a testament not only to Emily Brontë's skill, but also her comprehension of human nature. For death to be presented as a triumphant release, something romantic even, is a feat achieved by very few writers; we could call it the 'Romeo and Juliet effect'**.

Read this if you enjoyed:

• Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier

Or indeed any book by du Maurier; the brooding, gothic atmosphere that du Maurier perfected pervades Wuthering Heights, and the themes of jealousy and possessive, doomed love are central to both. Passionate, classic novels by talented female authors that will stay with you long after the final page.

• The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

A short novella exploring sin, corruption and the slide into moral decline. Dorian Gray and Heathcliff are very different types of men, but both tragic figures who condemn themselves to living hell. 

• Anything which is marketed as the two protagonists (insert names here) being subject to a 'fatal attraction' 

If you want a tragic, angsty love story between two doomed lovers, Wuthering Heights is the thing to go for. No competition. Sorry, poor deluded Stephanie Meyer.






* I refer here to art in terms of paintings, sculptures and installations, rather than 'the arts' in the broader capacity before anyone picks hairs.
** But that'd just be pretentious.

...Hate Spoilers

A Note On SPOILERS

 Spoilers aren't a new phenomenon; since there has been fiction, there has always been that person who feels the need to inform you that Hamlet dies at the end, Harry is the final horcrux and Luke Skywalker's father is closer than you might think. What these people fail to understand is that the pleasure is not in the knowledge alone, but in the discovery. Unfortunately, some people seem to know this, and STILL gain a perverse pleasure from giving away that crucial twist.

The topic of spoilers has been on my mind more than usual currently, due to my (excessively) devoted following of two majorly popular series; Game of Thrones and Doctor Who.



 Doctor Who has been a significant part of my life (some might go as far as to call it an obsession...they may have a point) since 26th March 2005 when 'Rose', the first episode of the rebooted* Doctor Who exploded on to our screens. I have not missed an episode since, and eagerly debate and discuss what may happen in the next installment with anyone who will listen. As you may or may not know, Doctor Who is celebrating its 50th aniversary this November, which is set to be a rather thrilling affair (there are plans that it will be shown in 3D in selected cinemas). Leading up to the 50th birthday celebrations is the climactic finale of Series 7**, which promises to reveal a great secret about the Doctor, as well as unfold the puzzle surrounding the current companion, Clara***. So all in all, it is an exciting time for Doctor Who fans. However, popularity, success and a devoted fandom comes at a cost. Yes, there have always been those who love giving away the juiciest plot twists, but now they have a new way of doing so, to the detriment of so many more people. The Internet.

The ease of access of all types of information is both a gift and a curse, but focusing just for the moment on fans...given the temptation to peek ahead, to know something you both desperately don't want to know, and desperately do NEED to know, how hard is it to steer away from photos, snippets, hints, clips of the future? Pretty hard, I can tell you from experience. Steven Moffat has such a horror of spoilers that he has even worked it into the programme, with the character of River Song provocatively mouthing 'Spoilers!' whenever the Doctor is tempted to find out things ahead of time. By doing so, the showrunner evidently hopes to persuade devotees of the Doctor to behave as he does ...and consequently protecting his precious plotlines and viewing figures. And largely, with PROPER fans, I think that approach works. No-one enjoys being spoiled; once they know they usually feel a sense of anti-climax, then a overwhelming wash of shame (I think that's pretty universal, not just the writer in me). Unfortunately in some, it just leads to a desire to share that feeling with other people. And some people are just sadistic.

You don't know what I went through to find this rather exciting poster.

 I bring this up because I have a strict 'no spoilering' policy that I try my very best to uphold before each episode airs. If it's not officially released information, I don't want to know. BUT it can be so easy to stumble across something accidentally on the internet, and wish it could be unseen. (Sadly, this is true of more than just spoilers.) This is particularly the case with finales containing big reveals, such as next week's tantalizingly titled episode, 'The Name of the Doctor'. The BBC, and the Doctor Who team in particluar are very stringent on security, ensuring that not even the press see any crucial surprises; what they don't know, they can't give away. Wonderful. I fully support them.

 Then, the other day, there was some news. In America, copies of the DVD box set of Series 7 Part 2 had been released several weeks too early. Containing, in full, 'The Name of the Doctor'. There are people out there, outside of the DW team who know what happens. They know everything. They have the capacity to spoil it for the rest of us. And sadly, they have tried to. There were torrents of the episode online (I believe all of these have been removed by the BBC now, but I'm certainly not going looking to check), people posting on Doctor Who fan sites giving away major plot details...look too hard, and it's all there to be found. People are greedy, and people want what they can't have. The forbidden fruit has more of a pull than all the rest put together, and humans are weak and fallible. I want to enjoy the episode as it was intended, and I am very angry at the shipping company, but most of all at the people who felt the need to share the spoilers. The BBC has put forward an appeal to people who have seen the episode NOT to give anything away, and have even been so generous as to promise an exclusive clip with Doctors 10 and 11 (Tennant and Smith) if things are kept mostly secret until Saturday. I've heard that some people have had the bare faced cheek to claim the BBC owe us MORE than that...but I hope the majority of people are bigger and better than this. Spoilers...stay away from them, or if you can't...keep them to yourself.

Shown above: A LOT of cups of tea.

 I must admit however... I am a total hypocrite. I would never give away spoilers to something that hadn't been released officially yet, but I do have a weakness when it comes to books. I read books pretty quickly. Rather faster in fact than anyone else I know. And when I enjoy a book, I become absorbed by its world, by its characters. I want to share that with someone. Usually, it's someone who has shared an interest in the book...but generally hasn't quite finished reading it. I mentioned that I have just become absorbed into the Game of Thrones fandom; I am working my way through the first series of the HBO TV show, as I have just finished working my way through all five of the current installments, contained in seven gargantuan books. My boyfriend, who introduced me to the first book in A Song of Ice and Fire (the official name of the series, which most people never use unless showing off), has only finished said book. I am itching to discuss with him all the huge plot points that come later: ____ marries ____! Is ____ dead?! The Red Wedding!!! It is with supreme difficulty that I haven't given away all of the above, but I admit to being unable to contain myself regarding a few. I know perfectly well that with this foreknowledge he won't enjoy them half as much as I did, but in my defence he begged me to tell him, I double checked he was sure before I actually did give away anything major, and thirdly, I knew he'd probably find them out accidentally anyway. In some cases, he already had. Courtsey of that prostitute of information, the internet.

Spoilers are tempting, we are easily tempted, and the internet is a cruel and easy temptress. But please, try and spare as many people as you can from them. Don't support sites that condone and share spoilers, don't look up spoilers you may regret, and don't deliberately spoil someone else's viewing/reading for any reason. Unless, of course, you are crying because a character you loved has just been stabbed, and desperately need to share that agony with someone who will understand and not judge you, and you simply can't wait until they have read 3513 more pages.



 AN IMPORTANT DISTINCTION: This trailer is a teaser, and officially released by the BBC. It is not a spoiler. Enjoy! 

  

*I hesitate on which word to use here, although only Whovians will care: 'NewWho' as it's termed is not strictly a reboot, as it is a continuation of the same story, linking to the past series.

**Or if you are a Whovian 7B, or as I like to term it, Series Oswald.

***If you are not following this particular saga, then suffice to say, she's met the Doctor three times, and died upon two of those occasions. She has no memory of the above.


P.S. Sorry if I spoilered anyone at the beginning there. I just picked three that most people already know. Anyone who has avoided those until now has most probably been living in a cave. Welcome back to civilisation. 

...Review: The Bell Jar

A review of Sylvia Plath's only novel, and a reflection on life inside the bell jar.

On this beautiful, bright, sunny May day, I am going to tackle a dark subject. I don't claim to have much knowledge of it, nor presume to lecture on how it should be dealt with. I just think it needs to be talked about.
 Depression is an illness, and many more people suffer from it than we can even begin to imagine. It can come in different forms, and be triggered by different things and experiences, but it is a genuine condition and as such it deserves to treated thus. Clinical depression can make life, which is hard enough at the best of times, a living hell. I don't want to go too much into this, as I'm simply not qualified to talk about severe forms of depression, but if anyone is struggling with it, and has not yet seen anyone about it, start here: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Introduction.aspx



Beautiful, talented and tormented: Sylvia Plath

 Anyone can suffer with depression, especially some of the more minor forms. Seasonal Affective Disorder, known appropriately as SAD, in estimated to affect approximately 7% of the population every winter. Also known colloquially as the 'winter blues', sufferers of SAD find themselves feeling negative, apathetic, sleeping more yet feeling fatigued and filled with a sense of hopelessness or impending doom during the months with less sunlight. It can also cause over-eating leading to weight gain, loss of libido and increased anxiety. The majority of humans experience some of these symptoms during winter anyway, but the effects are expotentially increased if you suffer from SAD, have recently been through a traumatic experience or are prone to depressive periods anyway. Illnesses such as glandular fever are also known to provoke episodes of depression.

 The Bell Jar is a deeply moving piece of work, one of the best books written in the first person I have ever read. It is personal, disturbing, witty and very readable. This is, of course, because it is Sylvia Plath's story. Not completely autobiographical, but close enough to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. Sylvia Plath is best known for her poetry, whose feminist, personal and pyschoanalytical slants still shock and move today. She married another celebrated poet, Ted Hughes, but their marriage soon fell apart. Living with her two children, destitute and succumbing to the depression she'd battled all her life, Plath gassed herself, aged 30.  The Bell Jar tells the story of her early years, through the thin guise of Esther Greenwood. This nineteen year old, whose academic brilliance has been rewarded through scholarships and now a placement at a New York magazine, is suffocating inside her own glass bell jar, looking out at the world, but not experiencing it. She is detached from everything around her, even as she recognises why she should be appreciating it all. Trapped at home for a year after being rejected for a writing course, she becomes lethargic and introverted. Soon she turns to death as a way out of the bell jar, but cannot bring herself to carry it through, her natural instinct to live is too strong. But by now people have noticed, and she is taken to a psychiatric hospital and subjected to electro-shock therapy. She gets a second chance, but others she knows are not so lucky.

 Plath's life story is an uncomfortable read, but a compelling one. I found myself drawn to this character, to the writer, and I empathised with her. More than I ever imagined I would. I too am struggling through a difficult part of my life right now, the academic without study, the nineteen year old bound to home in my bell jar when I should be out forging my future. Thank goodness I haven't reached the point Plath did, but there were enough similarities for my heart to go out to this character, this woman, and all who suffer with the severity she did. This is an essential read for all who are struggling with their lives, or who have someone close who is struggling with depression. It is not an easy read, but a revealing one. There is no happy ending in Plath's life, as we know, but as we reach the end of the journey reccounted in The Bell Jar, one feels there might be hope for her. For all who have struggled. The sun is shining, there are people who love you, and bell jars are only made of glass, and they CAN be broken.

...Compare: 10 Things V. Shrew

To celebrate Shakespeare's birth/death day, I'm going to pontificate a while about my favourite play, and Heath Ledger. Come join me if you wish.

10 Things I Hate About You V. The Taming of the Shrew

If you are a fan of 'high school movies', or of the late Heath Ledger, you may well have come across 10 Things I Hate About You. If you are/have been an English Literature student, chances are you have studied Shakespeare's controversial play The Taming of the Shrew. However, surprisingly few ever seem to watch both, with the suggestion met with the inevitable grumbling of either; 'why would I want to see that? It's a) old and boring or b) a naff American rip off'  (bonus points if you can work out which response relates to which work). So after watching 10 Things I Hate About You again last night, I decided to provide you with a comparison break down, not so I can say 'This one is better' but hopefully to persuade you that you should experience (and enjoy) both.

 'Look, I know Shakespeare's a dead white guy,
 but he knows his shit, so we can overlook that.' 

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU

Year: 1999

Writer(s): Karen McCullah Lutz & Kirsten Smith

Director: Gil Junger

Starring: Julia Stiles - Kat Stratford

                Heath Ledger - Patrick Verona 

                Larisa Oleynik - Bianca Stratford

                Joseph Gordon-Levitt - Cameron James

Plot: Newcomer to Padua High School, Cameron James, has a crush on the pretty and popular Bianca Stratford. However, Cameron's plan to ask her out is foiled by her over-protective father's new rule; Bianca can't date until her bad tempered older sister Kat does. Cameron and his new friend Michael enlist the help of the maddest, baddest guy in school; Patrick Verona. Can he woo the shrewish Kat? Or will she discover that he is being paid to date her by Joey Donner, part time model and full time jerk, who has a bet with his friends that he can sleep with Bianca? 

REASONS TO ENJOY:

1. THE CHARACTERS 

The biggest problem with most teen comedies (at least those specifically branded as such), is that the majority of the characters are caricatures and stereotypes which are impossible to relate to. (The second biggest problem with teen comedies is Emma Stone.) Although some of the traditional high school tropes are present in 10 Things, there are two very important differences. Firstly, those who do fit an established clique are acknowledged as doing so, and it's all played for laughs, rather than just being patronising background scenery. Second, and most important of all, the main characters of Kat and Patrick, have real depth and we see them develop throughout. It is through them that this, the oldest of stories,  feels fresh. We like them, and we WANT them to be together. This is down not only to the script and the direction, but to the fantastic performances of Ledger and Stiles. Patrick could easily have been an obnoxious 'kooky' guy, but Ledger's natural charm shines through, and by the second half of the film he is almost positioned as the audience's eyes through which we see Kat anew. Julia Stiles is a tour de force, hitting all the right notes to make us truly believe that Kat is a righteous rebel, witty feminist and general bad ass with a good heart.  Basically, I want to be her. She has some great one liners, beautifully delivered, yet she remains a highly realistic and empathic character. The high point is the titular 10 Things poem, which will touch even the hardest hearts.
The more peripheral characters also entertain and amuse, and each are pitch perfect; from the bratty daddy's princess Bianca, to the sisters' hilariously obsessive, yet clearly loving father, through awkward high schooler Michael and Kat's delusional friend who seems to think she is dating Shakespeare; all are part of the rich tapestry of post pubescent life which 10 Things depicts.

2. THE STORY

The thing that made me want to watch 10 Things I Hate About You in the first place was that the plot was based on The Taming of the Shrew. Whilst that may mark me out as a freak (I don't give a damn about my bad reputation!), my logic holds thus; there should be a bit more to this story than just boy meets girl, problems ensue, they get together. Anything more complex than this is a rarity in the high school genre (with a few highly notable exceptions- see The Breakfast Club post recommendation), and 10 Things does not fail to deliver BOTH the above trope AND (shock, horror) make it interesting. As stated before this is mostly to do with the characters, and the dynamics they present. Whereas the Bianca/Cameron subplot delivers the usual boy-girl romance (with an almost irreverent, tongue in cheek predictability at times), Kat and Patrick keep us guessing, largely because they are rooted in one of the most enigmatic couples in literature; Katherina and Petruchio. Nothing is lost by transplanting this story into a more familiar setting, making it far more accessible.

3. THE SOUNDTRACK

I'll let this speak for itself. Go 90's Indie Grrrl rock!
10 Things I Hate About You Soundtrack

Although far from perfect, Ten Things I Hate About You is essentially a feel-good film, with some very funny moments, superb characterisation and great music. Why should Shakespeare be stuffy?

THE TAMING OF THE SHREW

Year: between first performed approx. 1593 (Taylor/Burton film-1967)

Writer(s): William Shakespeare  (T/B- Suso Cecchi D'Amico, Franco Zeffirelli, Paul Dehn)

Yes, that is Sue White from Green Wing as the Shrew.

Director: Although Elizabethan theatre worked in ensembles rather than having a specific director, presumably Shakespeare had a hand (T/B- Franco Zeffirelli)

Starring: Unknown

Film:  Elizabeth Taylor - Katherina Minola

         Richard Burton - Petruchio of Verona

         Natasha Pyne - Bianca Minola

         Sir Michael Hordern - Baptista Minola

Plot: Baptista Minola has two daughters; the fair and beloved Bianca, much desired by suitors, and the elder; violent, argumentative Katherina who terrifies all who meet her. Baptista vows that Bianca can only marry once Katherina has a husband, and so Bianca's potential suitors hatch a plot to find a man who will take on the unruly Kate, leaving them free to squabble over her sister. They find him in Petruchio, who claims he doesn't give a damn who he marries, so long as she's rich. They are hastily wed, and so begins Petruchio's attempts to tame the bitch.

REASONS TO ENJOY:

1. THE CHARACTERS

You don't HAVE to be busty to play Kate. Honest.

 Katherina and Petruchio are probably THE most divisive characters in all of Shakespeare, if not in all of literature. They brilliance lies in their ambiguity; they can be played and understood as passionate forces of nature, partners in crime, or as an oppressor and victim, a witch and a monster. To an actor they are a gift; they offer so much scope for characterisation, but at all times they remain so vividly written, broad and ambiguous, but never ever bland. Personally (although having played the role myself I AM somewhat biased) I think Katherina is one of the greatest female characters in all of fiction. For the time in which she was created she was an incredibly complex female character; although some argue that she is simply the angry shrew stereotype, who then becomes a victim, there are far more subtle nuances in her character. Shakespeare gives hints as to WHY she is as she is, rather than simply caricaturing her. Petruchio remains a controversial character; is he a misogynist's dream, or a man who knows what he wants and lives without the fear and cowardice which Kate so despises in the other male characters? The pleasure lies in making your own conclusions.

2. THE STORY
This story is basically about the ultimate battle of the sexes. It doesn't attempt to sugar-coat it, and doesn't pull any punches; we see the darker, more violent sides of such a clash of wills that very few stories since have dared to tackle. This is some bad ass stuff. Although Shakespeare is often derided as being boring (anyone who says this has EVIDENTLY never seen a Shakespeare play and is not qualified to comment), Shrew is not for the delicate. Kate brandishes a whip when questioning her sister about her love life, and Petruchio frequently abuses his servant Grumio, saying nothing of the abuse both verbal and physical which the central couple throw at each other. During the course of performing this very play, there were several red faces, many bruises, a microphone broken with a particularly hard slap, and my Petruchio sustained a scar on his foot which had absolutely nothing to do with the heel of my shoe...

This article is worth a read; it contains some fascinating interpretations of the Kate/Petruchio relationship, and the personal/sexual politics of the play: The Guardian RSC 'The Taming of the Shrew'

What, with my tongue in your tail? Ooh err.

3. THE LANGUAGE
What many deprived people don't seem to realise is that Shakespeare's words don't have
to be a chore. The Elizabethan audiences went to HEAR a play, not so much to see it. In a world obsessed with seeing, living on a glutton of visual stimulation, this takes some adjustment, but is worth it (don't fret too much though; most current productions provide plenty to enjoy with the eye as well as the ear). I'm going to say a few things now that may scare you. SHAKESPEARE IS FUNNY. He liked a joke as well as the next (60) generations, and although some of his quips have aged, many are just as good now as they were when were first written. Especially as (prepare yourself)... SHAKESPEARE LOVED DIRTY JOKES. Absolutely revelled them. Double entendres, rude puns, euphemisms...it's well known that Shakepeare did them all (if you get my meaning). When Kate and Petruchio first meet, Petruchio makes some very inappropriate comments alluding to, amongst other things, intercourse, bottoms and even oral sex. He implies Kate is a slut, but informs her that she is welcome to warm up his bed, and not to worry, he won't get her pregnant. All this, in a first encounter. You wouldn't get this sort of filth in Pulp Fiction.
It's not all X-rated however. Shakespeare is universally heralded as a master wordsmith, and his reputation is  by no means unfounded. There are some beautiful impassioned soliloquies from Katherina whose 'tongue must tell the anger of my heart', and the couple's wild confrontations are a joy to behold, with both matched measure for measure with wit and colourful vocabularies in the truest sense of the word. I remain confident that Shakespeare, once experienced properly, will win anyone over.

So don't be elitist...give both of these gems a go, and ENJOY.

(Sadly I do not own either of these films, the music or the RSC. I'm off to read The Bell Jar and crush patriarchal society.)

...Recommend: MULHOLLAND DRIVE

MARCH'S NOIR FILM RECOMMENDATION:

Mulholland Drive

 As today is International Women's Day, I thought I would recommend a film with (definitely at least one) female protagonist, and in particular one whose females characters weren't either one dimensional, romantically obsessed or simply eye-candy. Film noir is full of powerful females, from Norma Desmond to Kitty Collins, all of whom are capable of manipulating men for their own needs. Neo-noir can be braver still, focusing most of the story on women without their roles always being respective to men, as earlier noir tended to. Mulholland Drive is not a comfortable or easy film to watch or understand, BUT it does contain some very complex yet spirited women, and explores women's relationships with both themselves and other females. Naturally, this film also passes the Bechdel Test* with flying colours.

 David Lynch is one of those names you recognise, but probably have had little actual experience of his work.   The majority have encountered Lynch, if at all, through The Elephant Man; a beautiful and accomplished film, but very different to his usual work. It would be like watching Bad Taste** and assuming that all of Peter Jackson's films would be of the same ilk, including The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Mulholland Drive was my first foray into what you might call 'proper' Lynchian films, and I've learnt it's best to be prepared. This makes Inception look as linear as a Jennifer Aniston rom-com. To enjoy this film, or even begin to comprehend it, you must treat it as a dream; symbolic, with images contributing to an idea as a whole, rather than as a traditional narrative. Like a dream, seemingly disparate elements are juxtaposed next to scenes which seem to further the 'known' plotline (i.e. the synopsis you read on the back of the DVD case). It is tempting to let the other odd scenes that don't include 'Betty' or 'Rita' glide over you, whilst you focus on puzzling out their story, but try to  watch it all, joining up dots where you can, rather than trying to force an answer out of it. Enjoy the dream-like experience, and connect with the emotions and the characters first and foremost; you can puzzle what it was over afterwards. When you're re-watching it.

 Also, if you find yourself watching in fear from behind a loved one after the first 'Winkies' encounter, pause it, go get a cup of tea and perhaps a bourbon, then CARRY ON WATCHING. It's fine, you don't see anything again for a good while, and you'll be absorbed by then. The film was designed to be watched in one go, and I highly recommend you view it thus. Just like I did... *ahem*.

 Naomi Watts and Laura Harring completely sell what could have easily otherwise become cold, strange and incomprehensible film, alienating the audience too much and preventing them caring about the characters. This is thankfully avoided by the fantastic chemistry between these two actresses, with 'Betty's' moving audition scene being a stand out moment. The subtle nuances in their acting choices help the film move believably through its fractured narrative, which is no mean feat. The fact that we are left feeling so desolate and betrayed at the denouement is testament to the wonderful performances the leading ladies give. Many people dislike this film, feeling it to be pretentious and deliberately obtuse, but you simply cannot fault Watts and Harring.
 Mulholland Drive isn't for everyone, and I don't expect Lynch intended it to be. However, it is the only time I have ever watched a film that truly succeeded in capturing the experience of dreaming, and for that and it's wonderful acting alone, it is worth attempting to watch. If nothing else, it makes you think, and I guarantee that heated discussion as to its meaning (if it has one), and its actual plot (if it has one) will ensue after consumption. Watch it if you can, and then, watch it again. It's an experience.

*In order to pass the Bechdel test, the film (or TV show) must meet all the following criteria:

1. It includes at least two women
2. Who have at least one conversation with another woman
3. About something other than a male/s

It's scary how many famous films DON'T pass this simple test.

**Give it a try if you haven't, it's great fun if nothing else. Be warned, it stars Jackson and his mates, and most of the props and costumes are home-made...

You might like if you enjoyed:
Sunset Boulevard, Black Swan, Inland Empire, Eraserhead, Blue Velvet

Directed/Written by: David Lynch

Year: 2001

Starring: Naomi Watts, Laura Harring, Justin Theroux, Ann Miller

...Review: Black Mirror (White Bear)

TO WATCH: Black Mirror S2 E2 'White Bear'

WARNING SPOILERS 

Black Mirror: WHITE BEAR

This one is not for the faint-hearted. I warn you now, there is no comfort in this episode, no point at which you feel any glimmer of hope. It is pitch black, unrelenting, and absolute stark-staring genius. Possibly the bravest bit of television I have ever seen, the originally chilling premise performs an abrupt about-turn which is even more shocking; this is event television as we have never known it. 

Shocking and visceral in both execution and concept,  I think the most outstanding thing about this episode of Black Mirror is that it takes the series' uncomfortable atmosphere and pushes it up to 11. It is absolutely not afraid to take risks. Whereas all the other episodes give the audience a protagonist to root for (not a hero as such, but a specific target for empathy), White Bear takes a clear-cut scenario, with Victoria and the other 'hunted' being the obvious victims of the piece, and throws it on its head. Even when we learn the truth about her and her terrible crime, we still feel pity for the character, as well as horror; a testament both to the remarkable acting and direction, as well as the script. It gave you no one to root for; it pulled away the traditional narrative and left you confused and disoriented. We are as disgusted by 'justice' as we are by the crime. I kept expecting there to be a reveal that suggested that she was actually innocent and that this complex futuristic 'justice' system still made a victim of the innocent, but the fact that she WAS guilty made it all the more thought-provoking. Truly brave television.

'Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgement on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things' - The Bible (Romans 2:1)

The questions it made the audience ask were also much edgier than perhaps in the previous episode, closer in theme to the very first episode of the first series; it again put the viewers in the explicit position of voyeurs, making us question the fact that we are even watching. This episode felt very much like a continuation of the ideas explored in The National Anthem (the one with the pig and the PM), with the earlier episode being a tamer(!) exploration of the media pressure of the masses and the perverted double standards of the watcher, leading up to this. The very familiarity of people viewing the world through their smartphone cameras demonstrates how close this bleak perception of humanity could be to the truth.

 It is also a pertinent comment on the culture of accusation we live in today. Everyone is so quick to judge everyone else, and many seem to take a perverse thrill from going over the sordid details of other's wrongdoing; like the 'justice park', it shows how the media exposure to so many trials turns crime and punishment into a freak-show  with the public's minds becoming as fixated as the perpetrators, yet THEIR primal voyeurism is fed (and even encouraged) rather than condemned. 
So, is sick voyeurism ever justifiable, or just self perpetuating? Does a criminal deserve punishment; do unto others as would have done unto yourself? At what point do the judge and jury descend to the same level as the transgressor? Should mercy play a part in justice? The morality of the judge, as well as the judged, has been a subject of debate since the time of the Bible; Shakespeare explored it in his darkly ambiguous problem play Measure for Measure where the most outwardly moral and upstanding character is the most corrupt and perverted. White Bear reverses this, with Victoria appearing outwardly to the audience to be the vulnerable, innocent victim, yet is seen as the perverted criminal by the occupants of her world. 

O, it is excellent To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous To use it like a giant' - Measure for Measure (Act 2, Scene 2)

There is no comfortable resolution from either Shakespeare or Brooker; the wrong-doers are exposed and punished, but this doesn't necessarily bring us any joy or relief. Indeed, liberty plucks justice by the nose, and quite athwart goes all decorum when the public are let lose like children to carry out their primitive, mocking brand of justice. Black Mirror reflects a society that is sick at heart, and we must use White Bear to look at ourselves to ensure we won't become, or indeed aren't already, monsters.

...Recommend: THE BREAKFAST CLUB

This is a new (hopefully) regular feature in which I offer a recommendation, categorised by genre, to either watch or read each month. If you've come across them before, feel free to comment and share your opinion, if not, then give it a try!

FEBRUARY'S FEEL-GOOD FILM RECOMMENDATION: 

The Breakfast Club

Now, I appreciate there could be some contention over the genre for this 80s classic, but it makes me feel good, so that's the classification I'm using. It blurs the edges of comedy, drama, coming of age and teen movies, which is what makes it so successful; it is all about defying arbitrary boxes imposed by society, therefore I shall call it what I damn well like. Possibly THE film for students, it manages to capture the sense of peer pressure and frustration that accompanies life in high school, and deals with it in a fun, thought provoking way without becoming too preachy. Yes, there is a clear moral, and perhaps the central premise, (that all these different people are left in detention the same week for a selection of suitable 'crimes') feels a bit hackneyed, but the way it is dealt with definitely isn't. The stereotypes are deliberately caricatured slightly at the beginning, but only so that outward perception can be slowly eroded throughout the course of the film. The wonderful thing about The Breakfast Club is the fact that you both empathise and hate each of the characters as you get to know them. None of them are flawless, all of them could do with a good shake, and most importantly, you have known, or even been, one of them at a point in your life. This is no 'Twilight' or 'Easy A' sketch of attractive teenagers with the occasional flaw thrown in, such as clumsiness or accidentally making people think you'll give out sexual favours for money (a slip-up I'm sure happens to many people...maybe if...no, I genuinely can't imagine a situation where this could conceivably occur.), but one which doesn't shy away from using the real voices of teenagers. Although made in the mid 80s, the stigma attached to talk of sex, fear of being seen as frigid and/or slutty, peer pressure leading to casual drug use, the sense of abandonment and misunderstanding between parents and their teenage offspring encapsulated in the group's discussions is so relate-able it could have been written yesterday. Admittedly, the fashion and music suggest otherwise, but that's part of the charm. I absolutely think this is THE film to watch with new high school friends (if they don't like it, ditch them-they were no good anyway) and with flatmates when you go to university. It is the ultimate bonding film; if you're not smoking a spliff* and dancing on the tables by the end, you're not doing it right. The Breakfast Club is the one American high school film with real universal appeal; if you've met society then you'll know what is like to be boxed and judged before you can even open your mouth.

The Criminal, The Basket-Case, The Jock, The Princess and The Brain

John Hughes was master of the teen movie, and the actors in The Breakfast Club can be seen in a variety of his other films, being part of the group known as the 'Brat Pack'. However, The Breakfast Club is undoubtedly the best of the bunch; it's the one most acutely observed, with the best premise and some of the most quotable lines, the catchiest songs and, best of all, an ambiguous ending. Although all seems perfect, and the Club are one-nil against the world, there is a wonderful question left on everyone's lips, including the characters, as the end credits role: will it last? That last image, the punch in the air of triumph, epitomises what this film is telling us; it doesn't matter, because today is OUR day. 

BEST QUOTE:
'Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.'

You might like if you enjoyed:
St. Elmo's Fire, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Back to the Future

*(I do not condone drug taking, but you understand the sentiment. A little alcohol and some pizza makes a great substitute if you want to make a night of it.)

Directed/Written by: John Hughes

Year:  1985

Starring:  Emilio Estevez, Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwald, Ally Sheedy, Anthony Michael Hall

...Defend Poetry

IN THESE STONES HORIZONS SING...oh hey poetry.

 Rather too many people have a negative perception and attitude to poetry. I've heard it described as boring, pointless, trite and pretentious. And at its worst it can be all those things. But then, so can't a bad film, book or play? It's easy to dismiss the whole genre through one bad experience because, unlike those others i just mentioned, our exposure to poetry is minimal. It's seen as the preserve of academics, lovestruck adolescents and wannabe poets, with the majority only coming into contact with it (outside education) during the occasional rom-com funeral. When was the last time you read a poem? (Voluntarily?) Its just not done really. Imagine you've been chatting to a friend about a novel you've just enjoyed. How likely is it that they'd reply: 'Oh I'm reading a fabulous poetry anthology at the moment. Its so moving, but surprisingly raunchy.' How many of you would do a double take? Or laugh? Part of the problem is association. Even the word 'poetry' sounds up itself, with its e where it has no business to be and the way it is a blanket cover for so many different things. But that shouldn't be daunting, try thinking of the world like this: everything is potential poetry. That tree over there; poetry. That dead bird? Poetry. In an exam, that clock ticking away seconds of your life, that's poetry. A good kiss? Poetry. A bad kiss? Poetry all the same. Do you think this is funny? Laughing, that's...well, you get the idea. Poetry can be made from anything, it should be the most diverse and accessible thing in the world. It's universal. But, wonderfully, its also intensely personal. It is what all psychologists dream of; a glimpse into the mind of another. The possibilities, as they say are endless. 

Okay, so we've established its an art. So why, is it perceived as an elite rather than a popular form of culture? Well, part of the problem is the flipping ridiculous prices of books of poetry. I looked at one once, a slender volume of poems about an eighth of the size of the average paperback book; £10.99. I don't expect a bigger book, but at least a more reasonable price. I appreciate it's a vicious circle that no one buys hence the prices, but really, there has to be some sort of compromise. If we all had poetry in our houses for kids to borrow off the shelves I guarantee it'd be a lot more beloved. 

Finally, and the biggest cause for lots of people, is the exposure to the 'wrong' poems. Now, I'm not trying to say some art has more value than others (now THERE'S an argument for a rainy day) BUT some is more to the taste of a certain audience. Poetry is still largely associated with literary movements such as the Romantics and therefore the typical idea of a 'poem' is high brow, pastoral, with dense subject matter and vocabulary. Or a superlativarific ode to love. To those who like that sort of thing, great, you're probably a fan of poetry anyway. To the rest of you; if you'd like an insight into real human (flawed!) relationships, try Shakespeare's sonnet sequence or Rapture by Carol Ann Duffy. For an all too relatable account of mother-daughter relationships try Catrin by Gillian Clarke. Ted Hughes' Lovestory is a shockingly visceral description of the difficult bonds of love, inspired by his own feelings regarding his wife Sylvia Plath, whose style may not be to everyone's taste but is certainly full of some amazing poetry about life. Those who like the raw, darker stuff, check out the infamous H.O.W.L. by the Beat poet Allen Ginsberg; it'll take your breath away. Go on, read a poem. I dare you.
If half the books and films in the world were as experimental and exciting as these poems we'd all be walking around in a permanent state of awe.
Also...if you STILL say you don't like poetry...you're a liar. So all your favourite songs are instrumental?

...Had A Brief Encounter With Scripts

So, I promised writing! This post is sort of cheating, but I prefer to think of it as recycling. I recently had to write a short (10-15 page) script for a university application, and I thought I'd share my attempt here. I was given a deliberately vague brief, with a choice of 4 titles, from which I chose 'Brief Encounter' (yes, they were all as oblique). This was the result. Not my best piece of writing, in my opinion, but...passable. (I got an offer anyway so they can't have thought it too dire!) Let me know what you think.

BRIEF ENCOUNTER

SCENE ONE

INT. Living Room, Day

A plush yet cosily furnished living room. BEN is in his early twenties; friendly, well groomed, loquacious. ALICE, his mother, is approaching 50, but well-dressed, posh and distinctly middle class. CHARLOTTE is 20, red haired and opinionated. Ben sits on the sofa with his arm around Charlotte, facing Alice who is perched upon the edge of an armchair. A smart oak coffee table lies between them, with a teapot and saucers laid out neatly upon its surface.

BEN

Yes, Tiffin will be ten on Friday. We’ve always had dogs, ever since I can remember. It’s nice to have some company, isn’t it girl?

Ben ruffles the dog’s head affectionately.

ALICE

Mmm. We had our first Dachshund when Ben was first learning to crawl.

CHARLOTTE

Bit thoughtless that wasn’t it?
(awkward pause) I just mean, I thought that you weren’t supposed to have animals around babies, in case they, y’know, attack them or something.

ALICE

Oh, have no fear Charlotte, I wouldn’t let anything vicious near my little boy.

BEN

Aw, Delilah was a little thing, she wouldn’t have hurt a fly. In fact she’d probably have run away from one! Oh I wish you could have seen Delilah, you’d have loved her, Charl.

ALICE

He’s always had a soft spot for bitches.

An awkward silence fills the room. An angry red flush begins to rise on Charlotte’s cheeks. Alice leans back in her seat, smug.

CHARLOTTE (gritted teeth)

Look, I’m sure I didn’t mean to offend you but I won’t-

ALICE (serenely)

Yes, Ben loves his dogs.

BEN

When it comes to pets, I’m firmly in the dog camp. Charl’s a bit undecided, aren’t you baby? She’s got a cat, Mel, who’s just given birth to her first lot of kittens, so she’s somewhat biased at the mo.

ALICE (sweetly)

Ah, yes, I should have guessed you were the catty type Charlotte.

CHARLOTTE

Well, I wouldn’t say that exactly…

BEN (appalled)

Mother!

ALICE

Don’t fuss, Ben dear. Charlotte knows I didn’t mean to offend her. Besides, she’s old enough to take a little joke. You have developed a sense of humour by your age, surely?

CHARLOTTE

I can take a joke as well as the next woman. Better I’d say.

ALICE

I see you’ve finished your tea, Charlotte. I do hope it was to your taste; you see I only had semi-skimmed milk in the house, and I know how conscious you are about your weight. Very sensible if you ask me, and I’d hate to jeopardise your diet routine before it has chance to take effect.
I’d offer you another, but I presume you must be on your way, and I’d hate to keep you.

BEN

No it’s okay Mum, Charlotte is staying for dinner. She finished her shift at work earlier, and I can drive her home so she needn’t fret about bus times or taxis and all that nonsense.

CHARLOTTE

No Ben, it’s okay, maybe I’d best be going.

BEN

But Charl! Really you must stay, Dad will be home in another half hour, and you’ve got to try Mum’s lasagne, it’s the best outside Italy.

CHARLOTTE

I’d love to but I’m not feeling great.

BEN

You should have said baby, I hope you’ve not caught anything.

CHARLOTTE

Maybe I’ve got a cold coming on. After all, it’s pretty chilly in here, don’t you think Alice?

Alice finishes her cup of tea and places it carefully back on the saucer. She lifts the teapot and refills her cup. She puts in a splash of milk from the

ALICE (mildly)

I can’t say that it’s affecting me that much Charlotte. You must be more susceptible to the frost we get down in these parts. You do look out of sorts, now that you mention it.

BEN

Oh sweetheart, I didn’t realise you felt the cold so badly; I feel pretty toasty. It’s just like on that trip to the lakes;
(To Alice) she had a cough for a week afterwards.
But maybe some warm food would help?

CHARLOTTE

Best not. It’d probably choke me.

(BEAT)

…as I, um, I’m feeling rather sick.

BEN

Oh baby, I’ll get you a glass of water. Maybe it’s all the stress you’ve been through today, after that encounter you had at work.
(to Alice) Charlotte had a bit of an ordeal today at the salon she’s been helping out at.

ALICE (drily)

An ordeal? You don’t say. Do tell.

END SCENE

SCENE TWO

INT. SALON – DAY

EARLIER THAT DAY

ALICE sits on a chair, flicking through a magazine and waiting whilst the stylist jots something in her diary. CHARLOTTE is sweeping up hair left by the previous customer.

STYLIST

Can I get you a cup of tea madam?

ALICE

Yes please.

STYLIST

Charly, one tea, and if you could take this lady’s coat.

CHARLOTTE

I’m on it Kay.

The stylist takes Charlotte to one side.

STYLIST (undertone)

Look, when’s there’s a customer in the room, I’m Katherine to you. It looks unprofessional, and you know what women like her are like. They like things to be proper, and who knows, we might even get a decent tip out of it. That coat alone probably cost a month of my wages.

CHARLOTTE

Bit of cash and a perm and they think they’re the queen.

Charlotte turns to go back to Alice who is glancing through her handbag. The stylist grabs her shoulder.

STYLIST

I mean it Charly, you’re on a warning as it is. You’ve already asked to leave early, and I don’t have a problem with that, but only once you’ve dealt with this customer’s every, and I mean every, whim. Understand me?

CHARLOTTE (impatiently)

I got the message.

Charlotte rushes to help Alice off with her coat, rather hurriedly, yanking her arms out.

ALICE

A little less haste and a little more care might be in order, thank you young lady.
(to the stylist) Teenagers these days seem to be all rush and no respect.

Standing at behind Alice, still holding up the coat, Charlotte scowls and opens her mouth to retort. She closes her eyes briefly and takes a long breath in, steeling herself. She plasters a big smile across her face, and removes the coat from Alice’s other arm carefully.

CHARLOTTE

My apologies madam. Do you take sugar in your tea?

Alice picks up a magazine, barely glancing at Charlotte.

ALICE

No sugar. I’m trying to cut down.

(to Stylist) Diabetes. I can’t cut down on all my little luxuries, but I’m learning to like my tea unsweetened.

STYLIST

I’m more of a coffee drinker myself, but it has to be nice and milky. My boyfriend drinks it black as hell, but I can’t bear anything stronger than a Mocha!

ALICE

Oh yes I agree with you there, though I don’t drink coffee very often; the occasional cup when I go to my sister’s, and on Christmas morning. And I simply can’t drink it late at night.

STYLIST

Oh, I’m just the same. Wide awake for hours. I do like a nice cup of Earl Grey tea before I go to bed though.

ALICE

I couldn’t drink it before bed, I find I’m rather susceptible to caffeine. But I do love a cup of Earl Grey. It’s so refreshing, isn’t it?

STYLIST

Oh absolutely madam. In fact…

Charlotte enters the room, holding a mug of tea. She places it in front of Alice with a smile.

STYLIST (cont.)

Actually, we’ve changed our minds; we’ll have a cup of refreshing Earl Grey. In fact, make it two.

CHARLOTTE (scowling)

But I’ve just made-

STYLIST

Charly. Tea. Please.

Charlotte seizes the first mug of tea, looking surly. Some of the tea sloshes over the rim of the mug, on to the floor. Alice politely pretends not to notice.

STYLIST (cont.)

Mop that up plea-

CHARLOTTE

Alright, alright, I’m going as fast as I can.

Charlotte leaves the room, muttering irritably to herself. Alice purses her lips, gives the stylist a knowing look. The stylist forces an apologetic smile on to her face to hide her grimace. She begins to comb Alice’s hair.

STYLIST

I am so sorry about that Ms…
(glances down at wedding rings) Mrs…

ALICE

Bradbury.

STYLIST

Then I do apologise Mrs Bradbury. Charly seems to be… out of sorts today. She’s not usually so… um…

ALICE

Outspoken? Uncouth? Or perhaps clumsy.

STYLIST

Well I, ah… you’re not one of our regulars are you, Mrs Bradbury?

ALICE

No, usually I take my custom to the salon down Abbot Street; nothing personal you understand, it just so happens to be right next to where I have my art classes, so it’s far more convenient. I rarely venture down to this part of town anymore; it’s just all students and nightclubs these days.

STYLIST (disappointed)

So we won’t be seeing you often then? I do hope Charly hasn’t made you feel-

ALICE

Oh no, it’s nothing like that. But Angela has been doing my hair since I was a blushing bride, so you understand how it is. I’m only here today because my son rang me last night to let me know that he would be catching a train home this morning, and would it be alright to bring his girlfriend over for dinner.

STYLIST

Men are all the same, they think we just snap our fingers and everything’s ready and waiting for them.

ALICE

Well, he’s been working so hard since he graduated with his first. He’s been ‘on placement’, as they call it, with a very successful and high ranking accountancy firm. He’s always been such a bright boy, and a charmer, I couldn’t let him down. I haven’t met his lady friend yet, but apparently she’s planning a career in the arts.

STYLIST

Both highfliers then! You must be very proud.

Charlotte re-enters the room. Silently she puts down the teas, and begins to mop the floor sullenly. Alice surreptitiously wipes around the rim of the mug.

STYLIST (cont.)

And naturally you want to be looking your absolute best. Well, I don’t know whether you had anything in mind, but I think a few lowlights might just add a touch of depth to your hair, often in the winter months hair can start looking a tad dull…

ALICE

I don’t want anything too extreme, but perhaps, a little colour-
(sips tea, grimaces)Is there milk in this tea?

CHARLOTTE

Yeah, earl grey, skimmed milk, no sugar. That okay for you?

ALICE

I don’t usually drink skimmed milk, but I suppose, yes, it will be ‘okay’ for me.

CHARLOTTE (undertone)

You’ll live.

ALICE

I’m sorry? Did you say something?

CHARLOTTE

Skimmed is all we have in madam. I’m sure you’ll get used to the taste. Might even do you good.

ALICE

And what, pray tell me, do you mean by that?

CHARLOTTE

Well, there’s no shame in watching your weight when you reach a certain age.

STYLIST (appalled)

CHARLY!

ALICE (flushed)

I may be a little more… voluptuous than most of the ironing boards that seem to pass for women these days but at least I can boast a little more decorum and civility as well!

CHARLOTTE (sweetly)

I do hope I’ve not offended you ma’am, I was just trying to make you feel better about the milk. Every cloud has a silver lining eh?

Shakily, the hairdresser resumes her work, whilst Charlotte returns the mop and bucket to the back room.

STYLIST

So… lowlights? Maybe the caramel or the-

ALICE

Yes, yes, fine. The caramel will do.

STYLIST

Please excuse-

ALICE

I suppose you picked up that girl from the university. I hadn’t realised their standards had dropped so. I should think a little more carefully about your staff next time.

Charlotte stands in the doorway, scowling, holding a box of bottles. The stylist hurries over and takes it from her.

CHARLOTTE

‘That girl’ is an undergrad, yeah, though not at the uni here. I’m just staying in this bloody city to look after my aunty. Not that that’s any of your business.

ALICE

Do you speak like this in front of her? The poor woman must be mortified.

CHARLOTTE

She doesn't mind actually. She needs company now that her wife's passed away.

ALICE

Really? Well, with that kind of background I'm not surprised you're the way you are.

CHARLOTTE

And tell me, really pray do, what you mean by that? What ‘kind of background’?

ALICE

I don’t know what you’re implying; I have no issue with homosexuals as long as they don’t feel the need to thrust their sexuality in our faces, but there has to be a line somewhere. I pity you young woman, you’ve obviously led a very misguided life.

CHARLOTTE (outraged)

I’VE led a misguided life?! You with your ignorant, small minded homophobic opinions, looking down your nose at me and my family, can’t even bear to touch something I’ve touched in case it gives you bloody liberal germs.

ALICE

I’m not going to stay here and listen to thi-

CHARLOTTE

Well maybe you should and you might learn something for once. Someone should have told you a long time ago.  There’s more to life than tea and lowlights and Roger’s new jag and what’s Kate wearing. The height of scandal is no longer Lady Chatterley. Stop judging other people and maybe they won’t judge your snooty nose and fat arse.

Alice splutters in shock and horror. The stylist stands speechless at the outburst. Charlotte is red faced, and near to tears.

CHARLOTTE

What’s the matter, choking on that plum in your mouth? I didn’t think people like you still existed. I’m not ashamed of my family, and they’re not ashamed of me. Not sure yours could say the same of you.

ALICE (indignant)

Well I’ve never been so insulted in all my life. You may think you’re very clever now, but an attitude and a mouth like that won’t get you far in this life.  I know where girls like you end up, and it’s only a-

CHARLOTTE

Oh screw you!

Trying to conceal her angry tears, Charlotte storms into the back room, grabs her coat and leaves the salon, slamming the door on her way out. Silence in the salon. The stylist tries to comb Alice’s hair, but she jerks her head away angrily.

STYLIST (anxiously)

I can only apologise most profusely and I assure she won’t have a job here any longer. Your colour half pr-

ALICE

Job or no job, that girl is an affront to civilised society and I thank god that I never have to hear her loutish opinions or see that vulgar red hair again. As for you, you may be a talented hairdresser, but you are weak and ineffectual as a manager. I shall not be recommending your salon any time soon.

END SCENE

SCENE THREE

EXT. PARK - DAY

CHARLOTTE sits on a bench, drying her eyes with her sleeve. She is on her mobile.

CHARLOTTE (into phone)

-she was looking at me as if I was a flea she’d found in her rotten fur coat; that was when she even noticed I existed. The old cow.

The indistinct muffles of Ben can be heard on the other side of the phone.

CHARLOTTE (cont.)

I know, I know, I shouldn’t have gone off on one. I just wanted to leave early to spend more time with you, and she was being really difficult, and when she said that I just… you know since Gina’s gone I’ve been a bit touchy about her and aunty Mya-
You must hate me. No, you must. I’m such a- I am! An embarrassment; I should learn when to shut my big gob.

More garbled talk can be heard through the phone. Charlotte smiles and blushes.

CHARLOTTE

Do you really mean that? Yeah, yeah, I guess I do. Well, what’s the point of believing in something if you don’t stand up for it?  Aww, love you too baby. Oh really? Friar Street?

Charlotte stands up and cranes her neck to see over some bushes, and grins.

CHARLOTTE

I can see you! Oh, shut up you. Maybe I’ll dye it again. Or p’raps not. Cheeky bugger! Shouldn’t you be focusing on where you’re going? Hey?

Charlotte looks around. A bike swerves into view, with BEN on. He drops his mobile phone into his shoulder bag and waves. Charlotte grins and runs to hug him.

BEN

There’s my fiery little monster! Picked any more fights with OAPS?

Charlotte smacks him playfully on the arm.

CHARLOTTE

Shush you!

BEN

Anyway, we’d best be on our way.

Charlotte balances herself on the back of Ben’s bike, holding on to Ben’s waist for support. They turn out of the park and ride down a lane.

BEN (cont.)

It’s not too far, even when I’m carrying your heavy bottom.
(he laughs) Best not be late for mother or else second helpings will be out the question, and trust me, you don’t want to miss out on mum’s cooking.

CHARLOTTE

Leave my bottom out of it! Food sounds good though, I’m pretty hungry. And I want to make a good impression on your mum and dad. I hope they like me.

BEN

Of course they will Charlotte, don’t worry. Mother is always going on about me finding myself an attractive, intelligent young lady.

CHARLOTTE (teasingly)

But you’ve settled for me instead?

BEN

Now it’s your turn to shut up. She’s going to love you.

END SCENE

SCENE FOUR

EXT. BEN’S HOUSE DAY

CHARLOTTE and BEN stand holding hands outside a large detached house with a gravelled drive and a well-manicured lawn surrounded by large conifers. The bike is propped against a wall. Ben raises his hand to knock at the door.

BEN

Ready baby?

Charlotte takes in a deep breath, then nods.

CHARLOTTE

Ready for anything. That’s me.

Ben knocks at the door, and smiles at Charlotte, who returns it nervously. He squeezes her hand and she prepares a big friendly smile as the door opens. Inside stands ALICE, a delighted smile on her face and her hair a distinctly lighter colour one side than the other. She eyes widen, her smile freezes and her jaw locks as she recognises Charlotte. Charlotte gives a squeak of horror and the smile slides off her face. Noticing nothing, Ben beams.

BEN

Mother! Oh it’s been agggges!

He steps forward and embraces his mother, who glares at Charlotte over his shoulder. Charlotte shakes her head, indicating she didn’t know.

ALICE

It’s wonderful to see you darling, but I must ask wh-

BEN

How remiss of me, mother, this is Charlotte. I’ve told you so much about her, and it just so happens she’s staying with family in the city at the moment, so I thought, perfect timing!

ALICE

Ben I think perhaps-

BEN (happily)

She’s such a busy girl, what with all her plays and lectures and odd jobs I can barely pin her down in one place! But I knew you’d just love to meet her, mother.

Alice looks at her son, then at Charlotte. Charlotte looks pleadingly at her, gripping Ben’s hand tightly. Alice purses her lips. Charlotte takes a deep breath and steps forward.

CHARLOTTE

I love your son very much, Mrs-, erm, Alice. I hope you can excuse my er… discourtesy in not getting to know you sooner.

She holds out a hand. Alice looks at it, then at Ben.

ALICE

I have been told today that I am close-minded and have old fashioned ideas, to paraphrase the exact wording. But let it never be said that I am rude.

She takes Charlotte’s hand and shakes it extremely briefly.

ALICE (cont.)

I think you’d best come inside and have some tea, and you can tell me about yourself Charlotte, before I pass judgement on you for your discourtesy, as you put it.

The three of them step into the house, Ben standing between the two women, smiling.

END